Restless Natives Scotland Strip (SHIPS 31/05)

Not since Gianni Versace made an armchair from the scrotum of a Beluga whale has the fashion industry known luxury like this.

 The Clown and The Wolfman’s latest endeavour is our most ambitious yet.

 We are moving on from the Gnome game, leaping over the velvet rope of the FASHWAN world like a young Martin Compston being horsed into orbit on a makeshift catapult device crafted from a telegraph pole and wires.

 Forget hoodies, t-shirts, water bottles, signed posters and jars of magic dust - we’re going big time.

 FITBA KITS.

 Restless Natives Ventures (our highly questionable off-shore holding company in the Cayman Islands) funded a team of stylists to conduct a thorough global research trip to source the most valuable materials.

 From the famous Benarty Mountain in West Fife to the white water rapids (next to the sewage outflow pipe) in Kilwinning - no e-coli encrusted stone has been left unturned.

 After sixteen seconds, deep in the jungle of Inverclyde, one of the below-minimum-wage (exclusively child labour) workforce uncovered a rare silk worm.

 The wee bastard exists on a unique diet of dark fruits cider and methadone. The silk worm has a weird diet, too.

 It’s a miracle the wriggly wee gadge shites out any silk at all, frankly.

 We digress.

 Much like rare Belgian truffle, this smelly arse-thread is more valuable than a droplet of sweat harvested from Martin Compston’s tisnae during an interview scene on that telly cop show (second most popular telly drama this Millennium after The Bodyguard and Trigger Point).

 Any road up, it’s smoother than Robert De Nearly when he’s trying to get his Nat King Cole from Tianna after seven Maker’s Mark & Cokes at the Heartbreak Motel in Vegas on a Tuesday afternoon.

 It’s lighter than Chris The Civilian’s supply teacher pay packet.

 It’s shinier than Fanny De Vito’s TV Times best actor gong after his Mexican cleaner has polished it for the 17th time in a day. Fucking shiny as fuck.

 Thistle-infused, with a deep whiff of buffalo chicken wing, these garments are absolutely FREE to our 49 listeners in England and everyone else in Scotland.

 All you have to do is pay us £50, and this once in a lifetime opportunity is yours!

 We also offer a one-for-the-price-of-two special deal for anyone who over-reached with us at the live shows.

 You cannot say fairer than that!

 As you read this, Tik Tok Ruth’s hair has fallen out and she’s sitting in her sex den in Dunfermline with her y-fronts bursting with wee jobbies (that look like a rabbit has done them) - such is the artery-bursting stress level of the task that lies ahead.

 We’ve order a sensible, pragmatic amount - only 325,000 garments - in anticipation of mild interest.

 But please, for fuck’s sake, be patient. Ruth has only recently recovered from six months in The Priory after all the Restless Natives mugs were smashed by that company that sounds like EVERY. Her piles have only just retreated.

 There is no more rabbit shite to deposit in her pants should angry e-mails arrive in her inbox again.

 Play nicely, resourceful rascals. Make yourself an irresistible shagger in the finest football kit on planet earth at the Euros this summer.

 The RN taps have just been officially designated by a back street organisation as increasing your chances of an orgasm by 75% of the time, every time (only if worn at the same time as watching Two Doors Down).

 It’s like a Steve Arnott willy pill to men.

 For women? Well, let’s just say, there is nothing more arousing for the man in your life, than seeing you in a RN fitbaw strip, spilling yer Bovril all down the front, as it secretes through yer false teeth.

 Wear it with pride. Let’s chafe our nipples together this summer and permanently have our Joob Joobs on full beam.

 See you in Germany. Or jail. Or a German jail.

 Ze Wolfman