WARNING!!! If you don’t listen to the podcast, the following 1000 words will be absolute jibber-jabber.
AWRIGHT SHAGGERS!!!
Congratulations! You have successfully navigated the internet without being distracted by all the naughty stuff and you’ve found yourself in a wee oasis - Restless Natives’ answer to Aladdin’s Cave.
Actually, did you know Martin Compston dresses a wee bit like Aladdin when he goes out in Vegas? That’s another story for another day about the sexy wee pirate.
This is where you’ll find all of our approved merch - starting with hoodies and t-shirts.
Look out for other 🤡 and 🐺 themed nonsense coming soon - we are in the process of testing everything like those displays in Ikea where machines are opening and closing drawers all day.
Any road up…
The Clown and The Wolfman have been scouring the globe for the finest materials on God’s green Earth. The richest cotton, the finest ink - only the best will do for a National Treasure and the drinking woman’s Jamie Dornan.
We eventually found what we were looking for in Nottingham. The home of Robin Hood and Vicky McClure.
Hoodies and t-shirts that wouldn’t look out of place on the catwalks of Paris, Milan and London.
Please bear with us while we make the magic happen in the distribution department. We ask for your patience - our previous experience was mainly in the novelty gnome industry.
It may take us a couple of weeks to process your order - the hairline pervert is a jobbing actor floating around his (unheated) pool in Vegas. Meanwhile, Gordon is running around like a crazed dog chasing a balloon on wet lino desperately trying to keep the lights on.
We are relying heavily on the benevolence, love and dedication of our long-suffering support teams. And as you may have gathered from the podcast, we have a series of carers making sure we survive from day-to-day.
On that note - thank you Maggie Smart, Nik Linnen, Dave Malik, TikTok Ruth and of course, Warren Brown (he’s done nowt, but you know the deal by now!)
What might be helpful to know is that the hoodies and t-shirts come from a manufacturer with a proven track record and golden reputation.
They have loads of really well-known, high end fashion clients. That’s not fiction from Chris’s cauldron of fantasy - these cats genuinely passed DI Arnott’s interview with flying colours and Dr Drew Smart’s thorough medical examination with his massive hands.
We’ve been road testing the clobber for months now and we thrilled to say these wee crackers have held up exceptionally well.
Wing Commander Compston devised a rigorous Vegas endurance challenge with the help of Shady Man Four involving weapon’s grade, hot wing sauces.
Meanwhile, Gordon strapped a wooden beam over a multi-story car park lift shaft, assembled a team of workies wearing white hoodies and eh, let’s just say the hoodies came up smelling of roses after a single wash! (We are available for lucrative contracts with Daz, Bold or Persil etc)
If you decide to make a purchase today, we will be eternally grateful for you playing a part in maintaining Martin’s rock solid ego. And for ensuring Gordon’s wife and children have enough lager to see them through to Christmas (Martin gets his lager for free, he’s a National Treasure after all)
On a very serious note, we are thrilled you are part of our Restless Natives escapades.
All we ask is this: wear your garment with pride like a true shagger “Just making’ magic, baby!©️™️”
We will be really happy campers if you were a truly resourceful rascal and posted pictures of yourself in an entertaining fashion…
Perhaps you could attempt the Flying Squirrel duvet technique dressed only in a hoody?
Please don’t launch yourself from a telegraph pole catapult at any stage, unless there are grown adults present to film it on a high quality camera phone. Are You’ve Been Framed still paying £250 a clip?
Remember the rules for a successful photoshoot from Episode 1? Stand in a position you would never stand in, wearing clothes you’d never normally wear in a pose you would never dream of doing in real life.
Enjoy your threads as much as we have enjoyed making friends with you all through the podcast (this is NOT birthday caird pish!)
Right, time to Kenny Ho!!!!
🤡 🐺